News worth celebrating! October 6, 2010

Great news since I last wrote! Hubbs got the job offer we’ve been hoping for and does anyone know what that means?

Well first, it means we don’t have to worry about Hubbs trying to find something else in this horrible economy and we won’t have a gap in paychecks where we’d have to figure out how to make due for a while. Second, it meas we’ll actually have some EXTRA money from his severance package and unused vacation pay that we can use to pay off some debts.

Thirdly it means the last day I took my birth control was this past thursday. It means we FINALLY get to try to have a baby! I really can’t believe it, because I feel like I’ve been waiting for so long – even though it’s really only been months. I’m terrified and excited at the same time. I’m excited to have our first child together – I’m excited for the existence of my baby.  I’m terrified of the physical part of being pregnant.

So at the same time that I’ve been begging to be able to quit my pills, I’ve been mentally torn between excitement and being my normal impatient self and terror and a hesitation about the whole thing – born of just a basic fear of the actual pregnancy part. Then I kind of also am unsure about how Hubbs feels about the whole thing. He says he wants more kids, but I think in part my hesitation stems from a hesitation I sense from him. I worry he’s just giving in because he’s tired of hearing me ask. And I don’t want that. I want him to be okay with it because he really is OK with it and not just saying “fine, whatever” because he’s tired of hearing me whine. I think I’d be less hesitant about the whole thing if I really felt I had his full support in this. But I just can’t help but feel he’s only doing it because I want a baby, not because he does. I don’t think it’d matter to him one way or another. I think he’d be just as fine with me not getting pregnant. Sort of a “whatever happens, happens” attitude. And while, yes I am trying not to get my hopes up too much or have any immediate expectations of pregnancy ( so in part adapting a “whatever happens, happens, when it happens” attitude myself), obviously for me, the preferred outcome would be getting pregnant. See, that’s the thing, I don’t feel like he HAS a preferred outcome, so I don’t feel like he’s really as thrilled about this as I’d like him to be.

So, that makes me feel hesitant…..and almost guilty….for wanting this now, when I’m not sure he really does – even if he’s allowing it.

And I really don’t even want to bring it up because I’ve done that far too much over the past several months, so I feel like his indifference is my fault. Like I just caused him to not even care anymore. So bringing how I feel up now…I’m kind of afraid of the answer he’d give me. I’m afraid he’d agree with my opinion that he’d be just as happy either way. And that’s not the answer I want so I’m not asking.

I want him to be happy about it, and I guess I just feel overall insecure about his feelings on the subject.

So we’ll see what happens from here — but just THINKING about the prospect of telling my own husband that I’m pregnant sometime in the near future makes me nervous.

But then I picture our lives with a tiny addition and it just makes me smile and makes my heart melt. And then I know I want this more than anything.

Update on yesterday September 30, 2010

So for all my grumbling yesterday about wanting to just have the day to be sick and not have to worry about picking up Monk or keeping him by myself until Hubs got home — we ended up not getting Monk at all. Hubs said he’d pick him up on the way home, then decided it was prolly best for him to stay with Catty since I was (am) potentially contagious. (Monk tends to get sick a lot already, we don’t like to expose him to sick environments unless it’s unavoidable ).

So I got to stay in bed, watch my HGTV, and drink lots of chai and theraflu. Theraflu is awfully nasty stuff to drink by the way.

AND I didn’t have to  make dinner 🙂 Hubs did that too. So the rest of yesterday went well — I mean as well as it could with feeling like I have ten tons of pressure in my head and a raw throat and body-shaking coughs.

Last night sucked however – because I couldn’t breathe, none of the medicines were helping, and so I didn’t sleep. I finally got out of bed at 2am to take a hot shower to see if that would help, then at 3am made some theraflu and called work to let them know I was sick and wouldn’t be in at 7am.

Today, I have to venture out of the house though. I have to go get my TB test read and pick up some more theraflu because the one I made last night was the last one — and of course its the horrible, nasty, yucky theraflu drink that helps me feel better the most. Go figure.

At least it’s not the swine flu — again. Praying we don’t have to go through THAT again this year.

By tomorrow I should be better enough to pick up my normal daily activities and not contagious anymore — which is good because it’s our weekend to have Monk.